When I was pregnant and still working, I would daydream
about being at home with my new baby. I loved my job, but I was excited and thankful
to be a stay at home mom once the baby arrived. I pictured us playing,
learning, and experiencing together. While those things did come to fruition, a
lot of other things I didn’t expect
also came into play. Feelings of fear, restlessness, and resentment started to
creep into my days. I didn’t know why. I had everything I ever wanted…a
beautiful baby and the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. Why was I not completely and absolutely
fulfilled? After many months of contemplation and serious reflection, I figured
it out. I was too worried about staying relevant.
Whether or not I was fully aware, I spent most of my
pre-baby days working my butt off to stay relevant. Relevant at work, relevant
in my social circle, relevant in my city. I wanted to be on the scene, in the
loop, and on top of every new trend. I prided myself on knowing the coolest new
places to eat and drink before everyone else. My friends came to me when
looking for new music and book recommendations. Then the baby came and all of
that grinded to a halt. Now my days were consumed with breastfeeding, diaper
changes, and praying that I could sneak in a quick shower while the baby
napped. I was totally and utterly irrelevant. To my disbelief, the world went
on without me (and so did some of my friends). I felt like shouting from my front
porch “Hey! I AM COOL! Believe me! I am SUPER cool!” But no one cared. People
stopped coming to me for advice on dating and where to find the best
happy hour.
Being forced to shed your previous identity is tough. Really
tough. I knew motherhood was no walk in the park, but nothing really prepared
me for all the soul searching it would entail. I was ready and willing to put
everything I had into motherhood, but all the baby books and classes in the
world did not prepare me for the physical, mental, emotional, and social
sacrifices that being a mother would require. When I was pregnant I constantly
received unsolicited advice: “Oh honey, sleep while you can…This is going to
completely change your life…You will never be the same…” But no one talked in-depth
about the metamorphosis that I would have to fight through, while also caring
for a newborn. I felt like Kate the Writer, Kate the Dancer, Kate the Teacher,
Kate the Comedian, and Kate the Friend were all forgotten and from now on I
would only ever be known as Kate the MOM.
What I didn’t realize, however, was that turning into Kate
the Mom would actually bring me the most reward. Once I stopped worrying about
what I was missing out on and started focusing on being mindfully present, I
gained a new kind of confidence and strength.
Becoming a mom taught me that I am enough. I don’t need to be the queen
of the social scene in order to feel important.
My daughter deserves more. She deserves a mother who creates her own
happiness and who practices gratitude.
And I am grateful. Grateful that becoming a mother pushed me out of my
comfort zone and provided amazing opportunities for personal growth. Now,
instead of wasting my energy worrying about staying relevant to everyone else,
I spend my time working towards becoming the best version of myself. And you
know what? I am still all of those things: a writer, a dancer, a teacher, a comedian,
and a friend. I am all of those things and so much more. I didn’t need others to
tell me that in order for it to be true. 
